Hello, Goodbye, I’ll See You Tomorrow

When I left work yesterday, I said goodbye to everyone. I don’t mean a casual goodbye on the way out of the door, but a deliberate attempt to look at people and say it. I can’t tell you why I did it, because I honestly don’t know, but I suppose it came from a sense of fear. It’s not that I didn’t think I would see them again, but it was more a sense that the last traces of an old version of me have gone for good.

I had a similar moment earlier in the year when a good friend came to visit. As fleeting as it all was, there was a sense of ambiguity about when or how we would ever see each other again. I was heartbroken in a sense, at the possibility that we may not ever cross paths again. It seems that in that grief a part of me went with them. Though deep down, I still hope I will see them gain.

For months now parts of me have fallen away, some parts taken and others I let go. It’s hard for me to describe in words that most people would understand what it’s like to constantly feel like I am losing parts of myself. I am constantly saying goodbye, it’s the closest I ever get to permanence, and it hurts.

Less often though, new parts of my life will appear. Sometimes it’s a new place, sometimes it’s a new person, or a new experience that does it. I have learned that it’s okay to say goodbye to things, as long as we keep saying hello to them too. I get to introduce myself to something new and the sense of joy that comes with that makes it worth it. The change is painful, but it is ultimately good.

So as I say hello, I will keep saying goodbye, but I will see you tomorrow.